TEXT FROM LAST NIGHT STARTERS

sethwalkers:

[text]  Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
[text]  Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I’ll love my children someday
[text] Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
[text] He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
[text] just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
[text] They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
[text] I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
[text] In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
[text] Not saying I’m a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
[text]  Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
[text] Also, McDonald’s breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
[text] Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
[text] If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
[text] He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
[text]  AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana…
[text] I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don’t judge me
[text] If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
[text]  Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
[text] We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
[text] Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she’s mad.
[text] All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
[text] He fucked me over, so I’m going to do what any rational woman does. I’m going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
[text] I’m just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I’m going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it